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Celebration of life
So, what is a celebration of life exactly?
Essentially, a celebration of life is an event that focuses primarily on the life a loved one lived, and the legacy that they leave behind. Sometimes even with a party-like atmosphere, a celebration of life tends to be just that – a celebration. The focus is on happy memories of the deceased rather than on the sad fact that they’re no longer with us.
If you’re thinking that this is not too far off from a funeral service, well, you’re probably right. It’s a term that can mean different things to different cultures or to those who live in different parts of the country (or world).
Sometimes, a life celebration occurs instead of a funeral. Other times the family may wish to hold a traditional funeral service and then a reception that they call a life celebration.
In other words, you can expect a much less sad and somber affair than the funeral; it will be an event where family and friends can remember together happier times spent with the deceased.
Since it’s a celebration that focuses on the person’s life, there will most likely be sharing of memories and stories among family and friends. There may be singing or joyful worshiping, or there may be a playlist on featuring the deceased’s favorite songs.
You may hear poems read or excerpts spoken. You might encounter karaoke, an open bar, a potluck, photo booths with props, blowing bubbles…
The point is, life celebrations can be highly, highly personalized, from order of service to the food right down to the decor.
Each event is different. That’s primarily because each person is different. The whole idea is to veer away from “the norm” and do something unique.
It’s also worth noting that some families and cultures use this term interchangeably with the term funeral. But because the focus will be on celebrating life, you can generally expect the atmosphere to be positive.
And of course, it’s perfectly normal for there to still be feelings of sadness even at a life celebration. To celebrate life isn’t to deny the reality of death and sadness, but rather to shift the emphasis from the dead to the life they lived and the legacy they left us.
Celebration of Life Etiquette
When it comes to proper etiquette at a life celebration, when in doubt, go into it just as you would a traditional funeral.
Dressing well is always in style
Show up a few minutes early
Pay your respects to the family (here’s what to say)
Consider bringing flowers, a card, or a small sympathy gift
Sign the guestbook
Participate as needed in the service (prayers, silence, singing, standing/sitting, etc)
Attend the reception
Bringing Gifts, Cards, or Flowers
Just like for a funeral, when it comes to gifts, it’s most likely perfectly fine to bring a gift or sympathy card with you to give to the family. You could also send flowers before the service, unless the family indicates a preference in lieu of flowers.
Gestures like these are thoughtful no matter how you look at them, so unless the family has specifically instructed NO GIFTS, a gift or card is entirely acceptable
What to Wear
Again, when in doubt, you can’t go wrong by simply wearing what you would normally wear to a funeral. But keep in mind that it’s also possible that the family has a preference as to dress code.
Check the invitation. Maybe their loved one’s favorite color was blue, and they’ve requested that everyone wear blue to the life celebration. Or maybe the decedent had a bright and bubbly personality, and there’s just no way he or she would have wanted dark and drab colors at their service.
To reiterate, the dress code it’s simply all up to the family. If they don’t mention anything, assume that they are expecting traditional, conservative funeral attire.
Note: Even if you miss a dress code memo and look a bit different from others around you at the service, try not to worry about it too much. The important thing is that you have showed up to show your support for the family as they prepare to commemorate the life and legacy of their loved one.
If you know the family already, you may already have an idea of their personality as a whole and therefore a clue into how they’ll be running the service.
Otherwise, consider it a traditional funeral until you arrive and get a feel for the atmosphere. You don’t want to walk in there with a big smile and cracking jokes when that’s not what the family intended, after all!
That’s what they’re going to remember.
Best Things to Say When Someone Dies
First, let’s think about what to say when someone dies. These are just some tools that you can keep in the back of your mind, to say out loud (or in a condolence letter) when the time is right.
1. Don’t be afraid to say the deceased person’s name.
Your loved one is new to this loss in their life; they may not yet be ready to accept the fact that their loved one is no longer with them. So when it comes to words to say when someone dies, their loved one’s name is at the top of that list.
You can speak their loved one’s name as if they are still here, and not in the past tense. “[Name] is greatly missed,” is probably a little better than “[Name] was a great person.” (Both are perfectly acceptable, just something to think about.)
Speaking the name of the person who has died is a comforting affirmation that they did exist, and also serves to validate your loved one’s grief. Believe it or not, some friends and family will act as if the deceased person never existed, which, to the mourner who is thinking about them all the time, feels like ghosting.
2. Offer sympathy with a sincere tone.
Anyone can say “I’m sorry for your loss,” but a genuine, sincere tone of voice can be soothing and go a long way in showing just how much you care about your grieving friend.
The way you say things matters almost as much as what you say.
3. Share a favorite memory.
Need help figuring out what to say about a friend who passed away? Well, you probably have a favorite memory of the deceased…share that story with their loved ones! After a death, memories are everything, and the family will greatly appreciate some new stories and insights into their loved one. It’s such a meaningful way to express sympathy.
Some may be familiar and thus comforting. Others may be brand new, and because of their newness provide a fresh moment that the grieving person can enjoy and appreciate. From personal experience, when my grandmother passed away, aunts and uncles and cousins came together to share memories of happier times spent with her. It was joyful to hear stories about her that were new to me, and so comforting to reminisce about her life, if only for a little bit.
4. Acknowledge their grief.
The grieving process is greatly helped by validation, understanding, and support. So one of the most helpful things you can do is to acknowledge someone’s grief by reiterating their feelings or expressing solidarity. A good way to do this is by saying something like “I’ve been there; it’s hard,” or “I’m grieving with you,” or “I’ll miss her/him too.” This will help them immensely along their grief journey.
(That said, it’s a good idea to not get into grief comparison; we’ll talk more about that below.)
5. Tell them they are loved.
Let them know how much you love them as well as the person who has died. “I love you, friend. I love and miss [Name], too. You both mean the world to me.” There are many different ways to express this.
Specific Sympathy Messages & Examples
When preparing to write a sympathy card, or to speak with someone after they’ve experienced a loss, it’s good to know beforehand what you’d like to say.
What to Say When Someone Passes Away
We begin with some generally appropriate condolence messages, simple yet filled with meaning. You can write these in a sympathy card, or use them at a funeral service or other memorial.
“I’m so very sorry for your loss.”
“[Name] was a wonderful person. You have my condolences.”
“What can I do to help you right now?”
“You’re in my thoughts and prayers.”
Include a comforting Bible verse such as Psalm 34:18, Isaiah 43:2, and others.
Include a poem, song lyric, or comforting quote.
Include your phone number or email address if appropriate.
“I’m so sad and sorry to hear about [Name].”
“I can’t imagine what you must be going through right now.”
“My thoughts and prayers are with you during this difficult time.”
“Keep memories of happy times together close to your heart.”
“It’s hard to believe, I’m just so sorry.”
“I know you loved [Name] very much. And that you always will.”
“I remember you speaking so fondly of [Name]. He/she sounds like a wonderful person.”
“I’m so sorry I never had the honor of meeting [Name].”
“If you want, I’d love to hear more about [Name].”
“I’m here for you at any time, whatever you need. Here is my number/email.”
Best Condolence Messages to Write for Social Media
Social media can allow you to connect with the person grieving in the case that you can’t be there for them physically. Just as they would with a sympathy card, a bereaved family will greatly appreciate any words of comfort you are able to provide them through social media.
“It’s so bittersweet seeing everyone share photos of [Name]. He/she was a wonderful person. You and your family are in my thoughts and prayers.”
“My sweet, sweet friend, [Name]. This morning, I was looking through old photos of us and came across this one. I hope it brings a smile to your face.” (Share a photo with your message if appropriate.)
“I can’t believe that I’m even typing this. It all seems so surreal. I am thinking and praying for you, [Name] Family.”
“I am shocked and at a loss for words. Please let me know if there’s anything at all I can do for you.”
“[Name] is gone far too soon. I am so sorry for your loss. I am here for you.”
What to Write for Sympathy Work Emails
It’s hard to think of condolence messages when someone dies whom you were close to, let alone someone you didn’t know at all. Perhaps a co-worker has recently experienced the loss of a loved one, and you need to find the right words to say in a sympathy work email. At the end of the day, no matter what you say, your words will be remembered forever (and perhaps monitored by the company), so choose wisely.
“Hi, [Name]. I heard about your loss, and I just wanted to reach out and say that I’m so sorry. I am here if you need to talk.”
“I am so sorry for your loss, [Name]. If you need any help with your workload when you get back from bereavement leave, don’t hesitate to reach out.”
“I’m [Your name] from Department [your department]. We haven’t talked that much, but I heard about your loss and just wanted to let you know that you are in my thoughts at this time. I am here if you need anything.”
Hi, [Name]. I am so, so sorry to hear about the loss of [Name.] I enjoyed getting to meet them at the company party last year. They will be sorely missed.”
“Hey [Name], when you’re ready, me and the guys would like to take you out for lunch one day, on us. Your choice! And only if you want to. Take all the time you need.”
What NOT to Say (or Do) When Someone Dies
These are all pretty self-explanatory but may come in handy if you’re nervous about talking to your loved one since they’ve experienced their loss.
1. If you can’t attend the funeral, don’t mention why.
It’s just the wrong thing to do. To be a little blunt, there is no reason you could possibly give that will be good enough for the bereaved people whose lives have just been turned upside-down with grief.
2. Don’t try to distract them from their grief.
It may be in your nature to “fix” others’ problems, with humor or otherwise, but right now your loved one simply needs the time and space to mourn. There is no time limit to grief; it could last a long time or a short time, or be on-and-off. The last thing you want to do is add to the bereaved person’s sorrow by interrupting their grief journey.
3. Don’t be general in your offerings to help.
Following their loss, I can guarantee your loved one has heard every variation of “Let me know if you need anything.” Instead of saying that, ask with sincerity, “What exactly can I do to help you right now?” Words of condolence are one thing; condolence in action is quite another.
4. Don’t insist that you know how they’re feeling right now.
It’s okay to say that you’ve “been there,” but keep in mind that you have no idea exactly how they’re processing their particular loss, even if you went through a similar loss. It’s their own unique experience.
I’m not saying you don’t have good intentions, but our own experiences and circumstances are still very different, and not everyone appreciates even positive comparisons at a time of great loss. Instead, say something more along the lines of, “I can’t imagine the pain you are going through right now. I’m here for you if you need anything at all.”
5. Don’t assume that your loved one is doing okay.
Sure, they might appear to be doing fine, or say they are when you ask. Care enough to dig a little deeper and observe a little more carefully. They might really be doing ok, and that’s a good thing. Then again, they might be struggling.
So be careful what you say. Statements like “You’re so strong” can actually be counter-productive when a grieving person is hiding behind a straight face. Remember, no matter appearances, this is most likely the most challenging time of their life.
6. Don’t try to be overly humorous or tell jokes.
Even if you’re sharing a funny memory of the person’s loved one. Those funny stories can be helpful and healing, but you should “read the room.”
Sometimes a happy story can dredge up sad tears again at the knowledge that this once vibrant person is now gone.
7. Don’t encourage them to “Hang in there.”
Same with “Stand firm,” “Be brave,” “Put on a stiff upper lip,” etc. These statements can discourage the release of emotion (crying), which is actually a healthy component of bereavement.
8. Don’t remind them that life goes on.
This may be true, but when grief is fresh, now’s not the time to say it.
9. Don’t make your loved one’s grief about you.
If they’ve just lost a pet, don’t share stories of your own pet’s demise. If they’ve lost their grandfather, don’t go over the timeline of your own grandfather’s death.
10. Don’t tell them clichés (religious or otherwise).
Give them real love and hope by thinking through what you tell them. Avoid any phrase that includes the word “vibes.” Avoid saying their loved one is “in a better place.”
Whether or not they are religious, right now – at least to them – there is no place they’d rather their loved one be that right by their side again.
How to Show Empathy to Someone Grieving
sympathy and empathy are two different perspectives. Sympathy requires that you maintain your own perspective when considering another person’s grief, while empathy requires that you put yourself in the other person’s shoes.
Offering practical support to someone grieving is one of the best ways to empathize with what they are going through. Here are some ways to do that.
1. Let the grieving person know you’re here for them.
After a loss, it’s way too easy to become lost and alone in grief. Whatever your loved one needs, whether words of sympathy or help with planning the memorial service, let them know you’re just a phone call or text away.
2. Offer them a shoulder to cry on.
Be the friend who understands, who has an ear to listen and a shoulder to cry on. Just remember that sometimes you have to actually offer it to them. Say, “It’s ok if you cry around me, I won’t mind.”
3. Let them know that you’ve been thinking of them.
Tell them that they have been on your mind and in your prayers ever since you heard that their loved one has passed. This will help them realize that they’re not alone in their thoughts.
4. Let them know that you plan to check up on them.
And then follow through. Just because the funeral is over doesn’t mean their grief is.
It doesn’t take much; just a comment at the funeral or a text message saying, “I want to check in on you after all this settles down. I’ll follow up in a week or two, or before if you’re up for it.”
5. Show them what you’re trying to say.
Instead of overthinking everything by trying to get the right words out, offer a heartfelt hug, squeeze of the hand, or even a knowing glance. Cry right along with them if you feel the need; it will show just how much you really care.
We hope this has helped you find just the right comforting words to say, or to write, in a condolence card for your loved one. Whether you have known the person who has passed on for years, or you are offering condolences for someone you never met, you are doing a wonderful thing by being there for your loved one in their time of grief.
Etc
What is a Direct Burial?
Sometimes a family desires to bury their loved one, but does not plan a funeral or other formal ceremony. In this case, they may choose a direct burial option.
With direct burial, there is no visitation, funeral, or even graveside service. The funeral home simply buries the casket. The imediate family is typically present, and someone may say a few words, but the general idea is that direct burial is simpler.
Sometimes, a family will choose this type of funeral with plans for a memorial service at a later date. Learn more about direct burial here.
Direct burials are a more affordable option for the family that will not be having a formal funeral, but still wishes to have their loved one interred in a cemetery. Often, this happens when the family does not live near the decedent.
What is a Direct Cremation?
Similar to direct burial, direct cremation is a stand-alone event. It is simply a cremation; there is no formal visitation or funeral.
Following cremation, the funeral home or crematory returns the remains to the family, who may or may not choose to have a memorial service later on down the road.
Direct cremation is usually the least expensive option for final disposition. Read more about direct cremation here.
If you choose a direct cremation for your loved one, the funeral home or crematory will most likely return the remains to you in a very basic container. But you may choose to have the remains transferred into a permanent, more attractive urn (the facility serving you will be happy to do this for you).
А memorial service
It helps to know that a memorial service typically takes place without the decedent present. This means that there is no body nor cremated remains at a memorial service. A memorial service could therefore take place any time (soon, or much later) after the decedent has been cremated or buried.
The memorial service is one of the most common types of funeral services. It is very similar to a traditional funeral, with the exception being that the casketed body is not present. (Cremated remains in an urn may or may not be present.)
The beauty of memorial services is that they do not have to occur within a certain time frame following a death. The ceremony can happen a day after interment or inurnment, a year later, or whenever. The remains are not at the center of this service, only the precious memory of the deceased.
A funera
A funeral is a service where the body is present. That’s the main difference between a funeral and a memorial service, by the way – the memorial service, as mentioned above, does not have the body present.
So difference between a celebration of life and a funeral is again that emphasis on life rather than death; joy rather than sorrow; “let’s raise a glass in memory of…” rather than “let us pay our respects to…”
What is a Wake?
A wake is the solemn service usually occurring just before the funeral. The origins of traditional wakes are in Catholicism, so the faithful may say the Rosary during the wake.
Traditionally, wakes take place in the home, but many funeral homes now serve as venue. People sometimes call wakes visitations or viewings. During the wake, loved ones come together to comfort one another and to pay their final respects to the deceased. The body or remains may or may not be present.
What is a Viewing?
The term viewing is often used interchangeably with wake and visitation, but it does have an official meaning all its own. It is fairly straightforward: at a viewing, the body is usually present to be viewed by mourners.
The funeral home usually hosts the viewing the night before the funeral service. Learn more about viewings here.
For information about “viewing” or watching the cremation (which is entirely different than a formal “viewing”), see this article on witnessing a cremation.
What is a Visitation?
As mentioned above, people generally use the terms visitation, wake, and viewing interchangeably. But the body is usually not present at the visitation, which most likely takes place at the funeral home or at the family’s home.
The emphasis of a visitation is placed on visiting with grieving family and friends, so it’s going to be less formal than the funeral. Drinks, dessert, appetizers, even a full potluck meal are all appropriate at a visitation. Read more about visitations here.
What is a Scattering Ceremony?
A scattering ceremony occurs when a family chooses to scatter the cremated remains of their loved one, rather than keep or bury them. Usually, the family scatters the ashes into the wind, at a location that was especially important to the deceased.
Scattering ceremonies can be simple or elaborate. The family may release the ashes silently and serenely into the ocean… or incorporate them into a spectacular firework display.
The ceremony itself is usually similar to a graveside or committal service. It is an appropriate time to say a few words to honor the departed loved one. Consider reading a favorite quote or Scripture, saying a prayer, or singing a hymn.
Keep in mind that, depending on the state you’re in, there are laws surrounding where ashes may be scattered.
Creating a Meaningful Funeral Ceremony
Regardless of what type of event you choose, you will need to make many of the same decisions regarding what to say, what to do with the body, and other accessories and options.
You’ll need to choose cremation or burial. The funeral director will ask you to pick a casket for your loved one. There are flowers to select, a funeral program to create,
You may be offered a catering option, for you and your guests to enjoy at a reception following the funeral and interment. You’ll need to choose a cemetery and purchase a plot. Or you’ll need to pick a memorial urn and also a date for cremation to take place.
Funeral Tips
Utilize the services of the funeral director! It’s their job to be there, to answer your questions and to help you with all of the details. Learn how to choose a good one here.
Ask for third-party help outside of the funeral home. It’s a good idea to have a fresh set of eyes or ears to help you get everything just right. For example, did you know that most funeral homes do not offer to help with the eulogy?
Get an idea of what to expect cost-wise. Did your loved one have life insurance? Was their funeral already pre-paid? Are payment arrangements an option? Learn more about funeral costs here.
Ask for help from a celebrant. Much like a wedding planner coordinates all the details of a wedding, a funeral director does much of the same for the funeral. But a celebrant could add a personal touch to your loved one’s service, from helping you decide on the day’s order of events to singing or speaking the eulogy.
Take time to take care of yourself. It’s probably the very last thing on your mind. You are in the midst of grief, and are also trying to plan the funeral ceremony for your loved one. But how can you do the best job you can without rest and fuel for the days ahead? Make sure that you are getting enough to eat and plenty of sleep. Here are 44 tips for self-care while grieving.
Write everything down. Each time a question pops in your head, and you think, “Oh, I need to ask the director about this,” write it down in a notebook. Because with everything else going on, you are sure to forget about it otherwise. Keep your notebook with you at all times, and the next time you talk with the director, you’ll have your questions ready to go.
Essentially, a celebration of life is an event that focuses primarily on the life a loved one lived, and the legacy that they leave behind. Sometimes even with a party-like atmosphere, a celebration of life tends to be just that – a celebration. The focus is on happy memories of the deceased rather than on the sad fact that they’re no longer with us.
If you’re thinking that this is not too far off from a funeral service, well, you’re probably right. It’s a term that can mean different things to different cultures or to those who live in different parts of the country (or world).
Sometimes, a life celebration occurs instead of a funeral. Other times the family may wish to hold a traditional funeral service and then a reception that they call a life celebration.
In other words, you can expect a much less sad and somber affair than the funeral; it will be an event where family and friends can remember together happier times spent with the deceased.
Since it’s a celebration that focuses on the person’s life, there will most likely be sharing of memories and stories among family and friends. There may be singing or joyful worshiping, or there may be a playlist on featuring the deceased’s favorite songs.
You may hear poems read or excerpts spoken. You might encounter karaoke, an open bar, a potluck, photo booths with props, blowing bubbles…
The point is, life celebrations can be highly, highly personalized, from order of service to the food right down to the decor.
Each event is different. That’s primarily because each person is different. The whole idea is to veer away from “the norm” and do something unique.
It’s also worth noting that some families and cultures use this term interchangeably with the term funeral. But because the focus will be on celebrating life, you can generally expect the atmosphere to be positive.
And of course, it’s perfectly normal for there to still be feelings of sadness even at a life celebration. To celebrate life isn’t to deny the reality of death and sadness, but rather to shift the emphasis from the dead to the life they lived and the legacy they left us.
Celebration of Life Etiquette
When it comes to proper etiquette at a life celebration, when in doubt, go into it just as you would a traditional funeral.
Dressing well is always in style
Show up a few minutes early
Pay your respects to the family (here’s what to say)
Consider bringing flowers, a card, or a small sympathy gift
Sign the guestbook
Participate as needed in the service (prayers, silence, singing, standing/sitting, etc)
Attend the reception
Bringing Gifts, Cards, or Flowers
Just like for a funeral, when it comes to gifts, it’s most likely perfectly fine to bring a gift or sympathy card with you to give to the family. You could also send flowers before the service, unless the family indicates a preference in lieu of flowers.
Gestures like these are thoughtful no matter how you look at them, so unless the family has specifically instructed NO GIFTS, a gift or card is entirely acceptable
What to Wear
Again, when in doubt, you can’t go wrong by simply wearing what you would normally wear to a funeral. But keep in mind that it’s also possible that the family has a preference as to dress code.
Check the invitation. Maybe their loved one’s favorite color was blue, and they’ve requested that everyone wear blue to the life celebration. Or maybe the decedent had a bright and bubbly personality, and there’s just no way he or she would have wanted dark and drab colors at their service.
To reiterate, the dress code it’s simply all up to the family. If they don’t mention anything, assume that they are expecting traditional, conservative funeral attire.
Note: Even if you miss a dress code memo and look a bit different from others around you at the service, try not to worry about it too much. The important thing is that you have showed up to show your support for the family as they prepare to commemorate the life and legacy of their loved one.
If you know the family already, you may already have an idea of their personality as a whole and therefore a clue into how they’ll be running the service.
Otherwise, consider it a traditional funeral until you arrive and get a feel for the atmosphere. You don’t want to walk in there with a big smile and cracking jokes when that’s not what the family intended, after all!
That’s what they’re going to remember.
Best Things to Say When Someone Dies
First, let’s think about what to say when someone dies. These are just some tools that you can keep in the back of your mind, to say out loud (or in a condolence letter) when the time is right.
1. Don’t be afraid to say the deceased person’s name.
Your loved one is new to this loss in their life; they may not yet be ready to accept the fact that their loved one is no longer with them. So when it comes to words to say when someone dies, their loved one’s name is at the top of that list.
You can speak their loved one’s name as if they are still here, and not in the past tense. “[Name] is greatly missed,” is probably a little better than “[Name] was a great person.” (Both are perfectly acceptable, just something to think about.)
Speaking the name of the person who has died is a comforting affirmation that they did exist, and also serves to validate your loved one’s grief. Believe it or not, some friends and family will act as if the deceased person never existed, which, to the mourner who is thinking about them all the time, feels like ghosting.
2. Offer sympathy with a sincere tone.
Anyone can say “I’m sorry for your loss,” but a genuine, sincere tone of voice can be soothing and go a long way in showing just how much you care about your grieving friend.
The way you say things matters almost as much as what you say.
3. Share a favorite memory.
Need help figuring out what to say about a friend who passed away? Well, you probably have a favorite memory of the deceased…share that story with their loved ones! After a death, memories are everything, and the family will greatly appreciate some new stories and insights into their loved one. It’s such a meaningful way to express sympathy.
Some may be familiar and thus comforting. Others may be brand new, and because of their newness provide a fresh moment that the grieving person can enjoy and appreciate. From personal experience, when my grandmother passed away, aunts and uncles and cousins came together to share memories of happier times spent with her. It was joyful to hear stories about her that were new to me, and so comforting to reminisce about her life, if only for a little bit.
4. Acknowledge their grief.
The grieving process is greatly helped by validation, understanding, and support. So one of the most helpful things you can do is to acknowledge someone’s grief by reiterating their feelings or expressing solidarity. A good way to do this is by saying something like “I’ve been there; it’s hard,” or “I’m grieving with you,” or “I’ll miss her/him too.” This will help them immensely along their grief journey.
(That said, it’s a good idea to not get into grief comparison; we’ll talk more about that below.)
5. Tell them they are loved.
Let them know how much you love them as well as the person who has died. “I love you, friend. I love and miss [Name], too. You both mean the world to me.” There are many different ways to express this.
Specific Sympathy Messages & Examples
When preparing to write a sympathy card, or to speak with someone after they’ve experienced a loss, it’s good to know beforehand what you’d like to say.
What to Say When Someone Passes Away
We begin with some generally appropriate condolence messages, simple yet filled with meaning. You can write these in a sympathy card, or use them at a funeral service or other memorial.
“I’m so very sorry for your loss.”
“[Name] was a wonderful person. You have my condolences.”
“What can I do to help you right now?”
“You’re in my thoughts and prayers.”
Include a comforting Bible verse such as Psalm 34:18, Isaiah 43:2, and others.
Include a poem, song lyric, or comforting quote.
Include your phone number or email address if appropriate.
“I’m so sad and sorry to hear about [Name].”
“I can’t imagine what you must be going through right now.”
“My thoughts and prayers are with you during this difficult time.”
“Keep memories of happy times together close to your heart.”
“It’s hard to believe, I’m just so sorry.”
“I know you loved [Name] very much. And that you always will.”
“I remember you speaking so fondly of [Name]. He/she sounds like a wonderful person.”
“I’m so sorry I never had the honor of meeting [Name].”
“If you want, I’d love to hear more about [Name].”
“I’m here for you at any time, whatever you need. Here is my number/email.”
Best Condolence Messages to Write for Social Media
Social media can allow you to connect with the person grieving in the case that you can’t be there for them physically. Just as they would with a sympathy card, a bereaved family will greatly appreciate any words of comfort you are able to provide them through social media.
“It’s so bittersweet seeing everyone share photos of [Name]. He/she was a wonderful person. You and your family are in my thoughts and prayers.”
“My sweet, sweet friend, [Name]. This morning, I was looking through old photos of us and came across this one. I hope it brings a smile to your face.” (Share a photo with your message if appropriate.)
“I can’t believe that I’m even typing this. It all seems so surreal. I am thinking and praying for you, [Name] Family.”
“I am shocked and at a loss for words. Please let me know if there’s anything at all I can do for you.”
“[Name] is gone far too soon. I am so sorry for your loss. I am here for you.”
What to Write for Sympathy Work Emails
It’s hard to think of condolence messages when someone dies whom you were close to, let alone someone you didn’t know at all. Perhaps a co-worker has recently experienced the loss of a loved one, and you need to find the right words to say in a sympathy work email. At the end of the day, no matter what you say, your words will be remembered forever (and perhaps monitored by the company), so choose wisely.
“Hi, [Name]. I heard about your loss, and I just wanted to reach out and say that I’m so sorry. I am here if you need to talk.”
“I am so sorry for your loss, [Name]. If you need any help with your workload when you get back from bereavement leave, don’t hesitate to reach out.”
“I’m [Your name] from Department [your department]. We haven’t talked that much, but I heard about your loss and just wanted to let you know that you are in my thoughts at this time. I am here if you need anything.”
Hi, [Name]. I am so, so sorry to hear about the loss of [Name.] I enjoyed getting to meet them at the company party last year. They will be sorely missed.”
“Hey [Name], when you’re ready, me and the guys would like to take you out for lunch one day, on us. Your choice! And only if you want to. Take all the time you need.”
What NOT to Say (or Do) When Someone Dies
These are all pretty self-explanatory but may come in handy if you’re nervous about talking to your loved one since they’ve experienced their loss.
1. If you can’t attend the funeral, don’t mention why.
It’s just the wrong thing to do. To be a little blunt, there is no reason you could possibly give that will be good enough for the bereaved people whose lives have just been turned upside-down with grief.
2. Don’t try to distract them from their grief.
It may be in your nature to “fix” others’ problems, with humor or otherwise, but right now your loved one simply needs the time and space to mourn. There is no time limit to grief; it could last a long time or a short time, or be on-and-off. The last thing you want to do is add to the bereaved person’s sorrow by interrupting their grief journey.
3. Don’t be general in your offerings to help.
Following their loss, I can guarantee your loved one has heard every variation of “Let me know if you need anything.” Instead of saying that, ask with sincerity, “What exactly can I do to help you right now?” Words of condolence are one thing; condolence in action is quite another.
4. Don’t insist that you know how they’re feeling right now.
It’s okay to say that you’ve “been there,” but keep in mind that you have no idea exactly how they’re processing their particular loss, even if you went through a similar loss. It’s their own unique experience.
I’m not saying you don’t have good intentions, but our own experiences and circumstances are still very different, and not everyone appreciates even positive comparisons at a time of great loss. Instead, say something more along the lines of, “I can’t imagine the pain you are going through right now. I’m here for you if you need anything at all.”
5. Don’t assume that your loved one is doing okay.
Sure, they might appear to be doing fine, or say they are when you ask. Care enough to dig a little deeper and observe a little more carefully. They might really be doing ok, and that’s a good thing. Then again, they might be struggling.
So be careful what you say. Statements like “You’re so strong” can actually be counter-productive when a grieving person is hiding behind a straight face. Remember, no matter appearances, this is most likely the most challenging time of their life.
6. Don’t try to be overly humorous or tell jokes.
Even if you’re sharing a funny memory of the person’s loved one. Those funny stories can be helpful and healing, but you should “read the room.”
Sometimes a happy story can dredge up sad tears again at the knowledge that this once vibrant person is now gone.
7. Don’t encourage them to “Hang in there.”
Same with “Stand firm,” “Be brave,” “Put on a stiff upper lip,” etc. These statements can discourage the release of emotion (crying), which is actually a healthy component of bereavement.
8. Don’t remind them that life goes on.
This may be true, but when grief is fresh, now’s not the time to say it.
9. Don’t make your loved one’s grief about you.
If they’ve just lost a pet, don’t share stories of your own pet’s demise. If they’ve lost their grandfather, don’t go over the timeline of your own grandfather’s death.
10. Don’t tell them clichés (religious or otherwise).
Give them real love and hope by thinking through what you tell them. Avoid any phrase that includes the word “vibes.” Avoid saying their loved one is “in a better place.”
Whether or not they are religious, right now – at least to them – there is no place they’d rather their loved one be that right by their side again.
How to Show Empathy to Someone Grieving
sympathy and empathy are two different perspectives. Sympathy requires that you maintain your own perspective when considering another person’s grief, while empathy requires that you put yourself in the other person’s shoes.
Offering practical support to someone grieving is one of the best ways to empathize with what they are going through. Here are some ways to do that.
1. Let the grieving person know you’re here for them.
After a loss, it’s way too easy to become lost and alone in grief. Whatever your loved one needs, whether words of sympathy or help with planning the memorial service, let them know you’re just a phone call or text away.
2. Offer them a shoulder to cry on.
Be the friend who understands, who has an ear to listen and a shoulder to cry on. Just remember that sometimes you have to actually offer it to them. Say, “It’s ok if you cry around me, I won’t mind.”
3. Let them know that you’ve been thinking of them.
Tell them that they have been on your mind and in your prayers ever since you heard that their loved one has passed. This will help them realize that they’re not alone in their thoughts.
4. Let them know that you plan to check up on them.
And then follow through. Just because the funeral is over doesn’t mean their grief is.
It doesn’t take much; just a comment at the funeral or a text message saying, “I want to check in on you after all this settles down. I’ll follow up in a week or two, or before if you’re up for it.”
5. Show them what you’re trying to say.
Instead of overthinking everything by trying to get the right words out, offer a heartfelt hug, squeeze of the hand, or even a knowing glance. Cry right along with them if you feel the need; it will show just how much you really care.
We hope this has helped you find just the right comforting words to say, or to write, in a condolence card for your loved one. Whether you have known the person who has passed on for years, or you are offering condolences for someone you never met, you are doing a wonderful thing by being there for your loved one in their time of grief.
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What is a Direct Burial?
Sometimes a family desires to bury their loved one, but does not plan a funeral or other formal ceremony. In this case, they may choose a direct burial option.
With direct burial, there is no visitation, funeral, or even graveside service. The funeral home simply buries the casket. The imediate family is typically present, and someone may say a few words, but the general idea is that direct burial is simpler.
Sometimes, a family will choose this type of funeral with plans for a memorial service at a later date. Learn more about direct burial here.
Direct burials are a more affordable option for the family that will not be having a formal funeral, but still wishes to have their loved one interred in a cemetery. Often, this happens when the family does not live near the decedent.
What is a Direct Cremation?
Similar to direct burial, direct cremation is a stand-alone event. It is simply a cremation; there is no formal visitation or funeral.
Following cremation, the funeral home or crematory returns the remains to the family, who may or may not choose to have a memorial service later on down the road.
Direct cremation is usually the least expensive option for final disposition. Read more about direct cremation here.
If you choose a direct cremation for your loved one, the funeral home or crematory will most likely return the remains to you in a very basic container. But you may choose to have the remains transferred into a permanent, more attractive urn (the facility serving you will be happy to do this for you).
А memorial service
It helps to know that a memorial service typically takes place without the decedent present. This means that there is no body nor cremated remains at a memorial service. A memorial service could therefore take place any time (soon, or much later) after the decedent has been cremated or buried.
The memorial service is one of the most common types of funeral services. It is very similar to a traditional funeral, with the exception being that the casketed body is not present. (Cremated remains in an urn may or may not be present.)
The beauty of memorial services is that they do not have to occur within a certain time frame following a death. The ceremony can happen a day after interment or inurnment, a year later, or whenever. The remains are not at the center of this service, only the precious memory of the deceased.
A funera
A funeral is a service where the body is present. That’s the main difference between a funeral and a memorial service, by the way – the memorial service, as mentioned above, does not have the body present.
So difference between a celebration of life and a funeral is again that emphasis on life rather than death; joy rather than sorrow; “let’s raise a glass in memory of…” rather than “let us pay our respects to…”
What is a Wake?
A wake is the solemn service usually occurring just before the funeral. The origins of traditional wakes are in Catholicism, so the faithful may say the Rosary during the wake.
Traditionally, wakes take place in the home, but many funeral homes now serve as venue. People sometimes call wakes visitations or viewings. During the wake, loved ones come together to comfort one another and to pay their final respects to the deceased. The body or remains may or may not be present.
What is a Viewing?
The term viewing is often used interchangeably with wake and visitation, but it does have an official meaning all its own. It is fairly straightforward: at a viewing, the body is usually present to be viewed by mourners.
The funeral home usually hosts the viewing the night before the funeral service. Learn more about viewings here.
For information about “viewing” or watching the cremation (which is entirely different than a formal “viewing”), see this article on witnessing a cremation.
What is a Visitation?
As mentioned above, people generally use the terms visitation, wake, and viewing interchangeably. But the body is usually not present at the visitation, which most likely takes place at the funeral home or at the family’s home.
The emphasis of a visitation is placed on visiting with grieving family and friends, so it’s going to be less formal than the funeral. Drinks, dessert, appetizers, even a full potluck meal are all appropriate at a visitation. Read more about visitations here.
What is a Scattering Ceremony?
A scattering ceremony occurs when a family chooses to scatter the cremated remains of their loved one, rather than keep or bury them. Usually, the family scatters the ashes into the wind, at a location that was especially important to the deceased.
Scattering ceremonies can be simple or elaborate. The family may release the ashes silently and serenely into the ocean… or incorporate them into a spectacular firework display.
The ceremony itself is usually similar to a graveside or committal service. It is an appropriate time to say a few words to honor the departed loved one. Consider reading a favorite quote or Scripture, saying a prayer, or singing a hymn.
Keep in mind that, depending on the state you’re in, there are laws surrounding where ashes may be scattered.
Creating a Meaningful Funeral Ceremony
Regardless of what type of event you choose, you will need to make many of the same decisions regarding what to say, what to do with the body, and other accessories and options.
You’ll need to choose cremation or burial. The funeral director will ask you to pick a casket for your loved one. There are flowers to select, a funeral program to create,
You may be offered a catering option, for you and your guests to enjoy at a reception following the funeral and interment. You’ll need to choose a cemetery and purchase a plot. Or you’ll need to pick a memorial urn and also a date for cremation to take place.
Funeral Tips
Utilize the services of the funeral director! It’s their job to be there, to answer your questions and to help you with all of the details. Learn how to choose a good one here.
Ask for third-party help outside of the funeral home. It’s a good idea to have a fresh set of eyes or ears to help you get everything just right. For example, did you know that most funeral homes do not offer to help with the eulogy?
Get an idea of what to expect cost-wise. Did your loved one have life insurance? Was their funeral already pre-paid? Are payment arrangements an option? Learn more about funeral costs here.
Ask for help from a celebrant. Much like a wedding planner coordinates all the details of a wedding, a funeral director does much of the same for the funeral. But a celebrant could add a personal touch to your loved one’s service, from helping you decide on the day’s order of events to singing or speaking the eulogy.
Take time to take care of yourself. It’s probably the very last thing on your mind. You are in the midst of grief, and are also trying to plan the funeral ceremony for your loved one. But how can you do the best job you can without rest and fuel for the days ahead? Make sure that you are getting enough to eat and plenty of sleep. Here are 44 tips for self-care while grieving.
Write everything down. Each time a question pops in your head, and you think, “Oh, I need to ask the director about this,” write it down in a notebook. Because with everything else going on, you are sure to forget about it otherwise. Keep your notebook with you at all times, and the next time you talk with the director, you’ll have your questions ready to go.
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